conversations with smoot by worm 2

The Smoot Before Christmas: (December, 2007)

[phone rings...]

Me: Area code 202? WTF? Hello, who is this?

Smoot: Where's Jay?

Me: Jay who?

Smoot: You know Jay, my boy from Minneapolis.

Me: Sorry you must have the wrong number. Jay's not here.

Smoot: Ain't got no wrong number. 'Cause I done googled you dumb worm bitches. So you think that's funny shit, do you?!? Ha. ha. ha. Very funny cracker.

Me: Wha? Can't be, can it... is this Fred?

Smoot: Yep, it's Smoot. I did a WHOIS lookup and then got your number from the phone book. What kind of idiot still lists their digits?

Me: Frack me!

Smoot: You'd think with all the identity theft going on you'd keep that shit private and tight.

Me: Hindsight being what it is, that would have been a good move.

Smoot: Damn straight jerk-off. So where's Jay?

Me: Jay? I still don't know who "Jay" is?

Smoot: You know...that funny mother fucker worm4.

Me: Oh you mean, Edgar.

Smoot: Edgar? Whatever, so where is he?

Me: My guess is he's at work or at home with the baby?

Smoot: Baby? WTF? Who'd he go and knock up?

Me: His wife...

Smoot: Why did he go and do that?

Me: [start of the birds & bees talk] Well when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...

Smoot: STFU! I ain't hearing that. Do you have Jay's home number?

Me: What for? I thought when you left, you said... "If I ever see you again, just shoot me."

Smoot: Man that's not funny. You know that Sean Taylor thing is still pretty fresh.

Me: Oh yeah, not cool man, I'm sorry. So why do you need Jay?

Smoot: I'm trying to remember the name of that boat company in Minnetonka we used.

Me: We?!? I don't think that's a good idea Freddie.

Smoot: Why?

Me: Well, first off... The lake is frozen and second you have a big game on Sunday with Wild Card implications.

Smoot: WILD CARD! I like the sound of that. Maybe that'll be the name of my next candy bar.

Me: What the hell are you talking about?

Smoot: Na man, I'm all bizness this weekend. I want Jay to call and find out who did their website design. I remember it was fly.

Me: You mean al-almas.com? I think you'll find the design firm in the FAQ.

Smoot: Thanks man, my cousin that built snackonasmack.com made me look like a douche bag.

Me: Yeah that wasn't good.

Smoot: I know, fucking tell me about it. Well, if you hear from Jay tell him I'm in town for a few days and we should hit Schieks or... [interrupted]

Me: I think you should keep the "OR" to yourself.

Smoot: 2/3s of the earth is covered by water, the other is covered by... SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT OUT!